I am going to be honest and admit that in the past I have cheated on my partners, both male and female. I have also taken advantage and used a lot of other guys when I have been single in order to get what I want. Grindr is actually perfect for that, because whilst it is meant to be about meeting other guys, it is actually just about getting one thing and it reduces men from personalities and people with emotions and real lives, down to simply easy targets. Targets that can be gained, used and thrown away without a second thought and with perfect ease.
I myself have been doing this fairly regularly for the past three years and at times I have enjoyed it and at others I am rather bored of it. However, I have always been curious as to why I do it. I have simply been putting it down to it being easy and fun and just being a rather uncaring individual towards certain strangers and people. However, in recent weeks, something has happened that has completely changed me and my perspective on my life (I won’t tell you what, but who knows it may be revealed in time). Now I have no interest in other guys and I have no interest ever cheating or having casual hookups or one night stands again. I genuinely have lost all interest in it. But I have never lost interest in the why I did it.
Today it finally clicked with me what is the why – a tragic combination of fear, loneliness and self-doubt. There are days in my life, when I have serious issues on the mind and the recurring factor on those days is that I am alone with my thoughts because my friends and family are busy. These things are also exacerbated by lack of sleep. The truth is that when I am alone, sometimes I have moments of extreme doubt about myself, my life and my relationship.
I wonder if actually I am not as good at my jobs and my skills as much as I think I am and that actually I am total failure. I sometimes think that I am not good enough for my relationship and at times I would sit there alone and think about how I could boost myself back up. This led me to the shameful act of going to others as a way of proving to myself I was worth it. Thinking back now and even writing it, it sounds so insanely stupid and ridiculous I can’t believe I ever really thought it. Except, it doesn’t end there.
In the previous year, I have been trying to think of better ways of explaining my behaviour and I came up with a brilliant lie and I will be honest it was a lie to convince myself as well as others. I told myself that sex was simply a hobby to me and that if you minus the romantic side of it, then it was just that – a hobby. This was my brilliant way of explaining my actions to myself and it was very convincing to me.
But after the past four weeks, I realised that I was a fool and that I am now completely ashamed of what I was, what I did and how I treated other guys. As someone very close to me aid recently, I acted like a raging homosexual slut. The only part of that description that bother me was the slut bit and not because it was offences or anything like that… it bothered me because in many ways, it was actually true. In recent years in particular this previous year, my behaviour has been going more and more slutty and now I see that was wrong. Now I am ashamed of my actions, but I have also changed for the better in these past four weeks. A few recent events, but one very special one has meant that I can see myself in a better light and as a better person.
I do still have those days where I have serious doubt about myself and my worthiness. Today is one of those days in fact. But now I understand that it is just the doubt in my mind and that realisation as made me stronger. I can now fight back and ignore the noises within telling me the negative portrayal I have of myself. Where I would normally go out and find a random guy to satisfy me, I no longer have any interest in doing that. Because the truth is… if one event or one person can completely change your outlook on your life and yourself than anything is possible and you should cherish that event or that person for as long as you possibly can, which is exactly what I intent to do.