To my dearest lover
I love you. It may be an obvious thing to state after our time together, but it is true. I love you, and I wish to say sorry. I’m sorry for my previous mistakes of which there are many. I am amazed by your patience, your dedication and your love.
Because of that, I’m writing to you to explain why I am fucked up and hopefully give you an insight into the fucked up mind that has led me to fuck up so badly in the past.
I spoke to you once before about my apparent views on sex. I even wrote and sent you a blog laying them out. On the fundamental intellectual level, my opinion that sex should just be seen as physical activity does have merit. However, sex is not an entirely rational activity. Much of what surrounds the topic and the action of sex ensures that my view does not tell the full story.
In fact, I have reflected much on the topic in recent weeks, including the conversation we had in bed over Christmas. I realised that my view grew out of the trauma of my first love and had come to affect our relationship and indeed hurt you. Something I never wanted to do.
I never wish to hurt you again. Therefore, I am trying to confront my demons and to change who I am. I am doing this for you. I am doing this for me. I am doing this for us.
There are many out there who would say that neither you or I should change for the other. You should only change for themselves, but those people don’t understand a fundamental truth about love. They don’t know what being in a relationship with someone extraordinary means and how it affects you.
Love is about making sacrifices for those who light the spark within your heart. By changing for the benefit of those you love, you are changing for yourself because refusing to change means losing those people from your life and extinguishing the spark. I want to change because my actions aren’t just hurting you, but are also bothering me. That is why I aim to start with this letter to you.
I mentioned to you a summary of what happened with my first love when we lay in each other’s arms. I want to help you understand how that has given me my outlook on sex, relationships and love.
As a society, we put a considerable emphasis on losing our virginity. I have previously stated that losing your virginity shouldn’t be a big deal and it doesn’t make a difference who you lose it with.
That view comes down to the fact that I lost mine in secret in my brother’s bedroom with one of my best friends, whilst my girlfriend was in my bedroom on the other side of the wall.
If I was truthful, the first time could have a lasting effect on your sex life. In my case, it began a cycle of uncaring sex and hollow relationships that developed into a sincerely held belief that sex was a meaningless, physical activity.
After four years of secretive sex with the same best friend, I left Preston for University, and I haven’t seen him since. But the trauma and the scars remain deep inside my heart. I’d fallen in love with him.
Due to that guy, whether intentionally or not, used me for sex on his whim and offered me nothing more, despite the occasional insinuation of reciprocal love. I came to hate the very idea of relationships. Except hate is the wrong word. Fear is a better choice. I feared fallings in love again.
It became easy just to fuck and go, regardless of commitment or emotion. Sex was just sex, and the rest could easily be avoided. Everything goes back to him and how he used me for his pleasure. I agreed to it every time with the vague hope of more.
My actual best friend will tell you that I feared relationships because I feared to fall in love again. I feared to open my chest and to give my heart to another because of the pain I felt.
Instead, I locked my heart away, deep down inside, becoming close to sociopathic in my treatment of other guys and my quest for comfortable gratification through sex. Chasing the orgasm regardless of cost.
That was until you. You, my lover, are the one who reached deep and discovered the dead man’s chest, opened it and placed the cold heart back on my chest. It beats again for you because of you.
I know I haven’t been easy for you. I have been an unpredictable, messed up fucker and I have hurt you. But this is my proof to you that I wish to change. I am taking the first step and offering myself to you for the future.
To me, you are worth every painful reflection. Every awkward conversation where you challenge my deflections and demand answers to my actions. Whatever it takes to confront the demons of my heart and mind, I will do it for you, for me, for us.