I am gay. Do you want to know how you know that I am gay – I just told you. The only way you would know if I was gay if you saw me would be because I’d be doing something with someone of the same sex or I’d tell you to your face that I am gay. Guess what? There is no other way you would know I was gay and I’m sick to death of hearing the same platitudes about being able to tell that someone is gay.
In the past two weeks alone, I have heard some absurd statements pertaining to people’s sexuality. One person said they could tell someone was gay because of his hand gestures because they had the idea that straight people didn’t gesture with their hands… clearly, hasn’t been paying attention. Another person repeated the stereotypical idea that gays are camp and effeminate. Guess what… Straight people can be camp and effeminate and the person under discussion was just that – in fact, his girlfriend was less effeminate than he was, which was interesting to witness.
When I first came out, someone said to me that they never thought I was “a man’s man” and to this day I have zero idea what the hell that means. Genuinely, I don’t know what that could refer to… When I came out to my parents, my dad said that he couldn’t see it. He didn’t see any evidence for it. I had to point out to him that being gay literally meant I am attracted to men. It has zero to do with my mannerism or gestures or how I speak or how I walk. I walk and talk how I always have and I just am emotionally and physically attracted to guys.
Another thing that is painful is when I tell someone I am gay as I just did to you again at the top of this blog and they say “Oh, I never thought you’d be gay, you don’t seem it”… I don’t seem it. What would you like me to do for me to seem it? Make out with a guy right in front of you? Maybe I could perform foreplay your have sexual intercourse for you to see the evidence with your own eyes? Possibly I could read you off a list of my ex-boyfriends or my list of sexual partners. There is no way of someone seeming gay!
But I think the one that galls me the most is the response when someone has known your gay for a while and they say “I couldn’t see it before, but I can really see it now.” So. if you have known me or any openly gay person for a while, you will be able to see it because they have probably talked to you about their life, their relationships, their sexual activity and so on. They will not have suddenly changed how they act, how they gesture etc.
The issue with these assumptions
The reason I get more and more angry at these idiotic assumptions is that by this point we as a society should know better. You will only know someone is gay or straight if they tell you or show you in physical contact with someone of their preferred sex. Anything else is superfluous and has zero bearing on their sexuality. In fact, the reason a lot of gay men could appear more effeminate is because they appear to spend more time around females than males when they initially come out. Now, sub-consciously we mimic mannerism and gestures and voice patterns from those around us. It is why sons have certain family mannerisms that have mimicked from their fathers. This is the same when certain gay men spend more time with women then with other men and therefore mimic more of their effeminate behaviour. I, for example, spend most of my time around other guys and whilst I have some flamboyant gestures, (usually when I’m passionately arguing) I do for the most part act ‘masculine’ although never laddish. But that is because I am a product of my environment and has no bearing on my actual sexuality. So please stop saying you know someone is gay because of their body language or your instincts or your non-existent gaydar!.