The first time I can remember feeling attracted to another boy was when I was twelve. I guess puberty and hormones had kicked in me. At the time I had two really good friends. Nathan and Jacob. I didn’t know what I was feeling, but I was drawn to them both in a strange way that made little sense to me at the time. I wanted to hug them, kiss them, and touch their warm skin. It feels awkward thinking about it let alone writing about it. It felt wrong because I didn’t understand it. I was meant to be attracted to girls and I was, but images of my friends continued to invade my mind.
I forced it to the back of my mind, until we entered year 9. I was thirteen. Jacob and me had been talking about wanking because obviously at that age you are learning and the only real way to learn about such things is to see if your friends are doing the same. One weekend I went over to Jacob’s house. We didn’t stay too long because Jacob’s cousins wanted us to go around to their house. It was just up the street, but the difference was the size in their houses. Jacob lived in a small terraced house, which had three small bedrooms. Jacob shared one with his little brother, Brandon. Jacob’s cousin, Patrick lived in a large detached home, with five bedrooms, two lounges and a large kitchen and dining room. The garden was long and green with a trampoline in the middle and large bushes edging around the garden. We spent the day messing around on a PlayStation 2 before we headed out onto the trampoline. We bounced around until we became tired.
Jacob then had the idea of truth or dare. Now at the age of thirteen, truth or dare usually remains just a bit of goofy fun, but Jacob had other ideas. We played around five rounds, before Patrick chose dare.
‘I dare you to go behind a bush and wank for a minute.’ Jacob grinned.
Patrick blushed a bright red. ‘Fuck no. I ain’t doing that.’
‘Fine, the forfeit is that you kiss James.’
I gave Jacob a “What the fuck?” look. I didn’t want to kiss Patrick. But as I slowly learned over time, Jacob knew how to manipulate people into doing what he wanted. He knew Patrick wasn’t going to kiss me so the only thing he could do was complete the dare. Patrick leapt off the trampoline and ran around behind the bushes.
I don’t know to this day if Patrick actually did wank for a minute behind that bush because as soon as he disappeared behind it, Jacob grabbed my arm and we ran out of the house and back to his. When we reached his room, we burst out laughing. We collapsed on his bed, side by side. Both of us breathing heavily from the run. We were thin kids, but we didn’t exercise much.
I glanced over at Jacob to see my friend’s hand down his tracksuit bottoms. I immediately looked up to meet Jacob’s eyes.
‘I’m really horny.’ He slowly massaged himself beneath the fabric.
What happened next has become a little blurred, but we both ended up having our dicks out, slowly wanking ourselves off. I discovered later that what we did was very common among kids our age, but I didn’t care about that. I kept trying to stop staring at Jacob’s dick. I just wanted to reach over, to touch it, wank it, even kiss it, even suck it. I didn’t though. Fear took hold of me that day. We just wanked and released into tissues. Nothing more.
We watched War of the Worlds after that and for the rest of the year, we slowly drifted apart. I don’t know why that happened.
James pressed the fountain pen lid back on top and closed his journal. He’d never written about what had happened, but a feeling had come him, making him write down his story in his leather journal. He glanced out of the train window with blurred green flitting passed.