Death Knocks Weekly

Death Knocks Weekly

“You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think” These are the words of Marcus Aurelias, the Stoic Emperor of the Roman Empire. The words sit on the back of a coin I own from The Daily Stoic with the words “Memento Mori” on the opposite side. The idea of considering that I could leave life at any moment is a present thought for me because for me death knocks on my door once a week.

I suffer from anxiety and depression and am on medication for these illnesses. But there is no cure. It is an ailment of the mind that can be managed but never cured. This results in my casual conversation with death on a weekly basis. In those casual moments where my own mind whispers that the end of life would be preferable to the day to day bustle and struggle on reality, I realise that I could easily leave this party early.

In previous moments, I have considered tying a tie around my throat and choking the life from me, allowing my cold corpse to swing slightly for someone else to discover. I have considered stepping of the once famous bus station in Preston and delaying the travel lives of hundreds of commuters, simply because I wanted to exit life earlier than nature planned.

The Reaper comes for tea

The reaper fancies a chat

Instead, I take solace when the reaper knocks on the door for a chat. I take his black cloak and hang it up on the back of his chair. I sit across from his skeletal form and have a chat. If he is going to visit and tempt me to join him in the darkness, I may as well be polite.

I don’t know what you might imagine a chat with death to be like, but mine isn’t about what comes afterwards. I don’t care what comes afterwards because I assume I’ll be rotting in the ground or burning in a casket. No, my conversations are about what I could achieve in this single life if I refuse his offer of the party in the darkness.

Casual suicidal thoughts that are rejected weekly are brilliant at enlightening perspective on life. I know that I should not accept the reapers offer because life offers me so much potential that I can choose to either grasp or reject myself. Some say life is a journey. I reject that.

Life is a battle

Life is a struggle. It is a battle. Nothing in life that is good comes easy. Instead of spending life complaining about what is hard or what you dislike in your life and edging slowly towards the exit as suicide tempts, do the opposite. Embrace what is hard. Embrace what hurts. In each loss or struggle or pain, there is a lesson.

I choose to learn and live. I reject the traitors in my mind that wish me to join the reaper of my own accord. The choice of causing selfish pain to those around me and destroy my opportunity for potential is no choice at all. I will speak with the reaper, but I will not join the Reaper (also he doesn’t like cake… who doesn’t like cake?)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *