Death Feels So Casual – My Suicidal Thoughts

Death Feels So Casual – My Suicidal Thoughts

I have suffered from extreme suicidal thoughts twice in my life. Both when I was much younger. The first was when I was 14 and hit with a period of depression where I felt incredibly alone. It was the summer between the end of Year 9 and moving into Year 10 and GCSEs in high school. I can’t remember much about it, but I do remember sitting there, considering suicide.

The second time was a few years later. It was a mixture of stress from college and A-Levels and coping with my sexuality and coming out and dealing with who I was. I made myself very ill and contracted two infections as well as being exhausted.

On these two occasions, I sat down and visualised killing myself. These were not passing thoughts. These were methodical plans on the best way to commit suicide. For example, I considered jumping in front of a train. I considered hanging myself. Slitting my wrist. Jumping off the bus station. Every single way of committing suicide I considered in those periods. But I never moved further than visualising.

Being worth something

I never reached a point where I took any physical action with regards to carrying it out. I simply considered it as a serious possibility. My reason for not going any further actually comes in two parts. The first is that no matter how dark and depressed I had become, I still knew I was worth something. It wasn’t like an ego trip or anything like that, I simply knew I was worth something to other people and therefore worth something to myself.

But the first reason actually stemmed from the second reason. I knew what my death on both occasions would do to those who cared for me. It would destroy my parents. It would ruin my friends. Death with respect to suicide doesn’t affect you because you are dead. It affects those you leave behind and I didn’t want to leave that legacy for my family and friends to experience and remember.

Negative bravery

There is a perception that those who commit suicide are cowards. They commit suicide because they cannot cope with life and therefore take an easy way out. In my younger, more ignorant days, I was sympathetic to that idea. However, now I disagree. Now I think it is a form of bravery. I don’t mean that in a positive respect.

It is still a negative thing to do to end your life. But to cause yourself additional, physical pain in order to end your life as well as the pain you are already feeling is still a brave act. I think of it as negative bravery. Thinking back now, I don’t think I could ever place a gun to my temple and blow my head open. I couldn’t step off a chair and strangle myself on the end of a rope. Those ideas now terrify me.

Bravery is something we like to glorify and in the majority of cases that is ok. But suicide for me is a form of negative bravery and instead of believing people who commit or even consider suicide as cowards, we need to see them as people struggling and help that turn that negative bravery into the more positive bravery of carrying on living with life and all its hardships.

Where I’m at now

I know in my heart that I will never commit suicide. I know that because I have com to understand that I have much to offer and life has much still to offer me. I would forever regret giving up on any of those opportunities.

However, at the same time I still suffer from depression and anxiety and therefore death feels so casual. When I am hit by a particularly dark period of depression, I casual think for a moment how easy it would be to escape all this and die. It is usually only for a moment before the terrible nature of that thought comes to my mind.

But I do casually just think it. With depression and the fight against it, the very idea of death and suicide has become as casual as thinking “oh I fancy some chocolate”. The perpetual myth of mental health, anxiety, and depression is that they disappear. But anyone, including myself who is fully aware that they have mental illnesses, will tell you that it comes in bouts. Sometimes you feel fine and dandy and ready to function. Other days it smashes into you out of nowhere and doesn’t leave you alone for weeks. Other times it drags you into the dark places and doesn’t let you go until you have been through the worst thoughts your mind can conjure.

But in the end, there is always hope and that can come from you family, your friends, your work or your passions. Search for what gives you hope in your life and hold onto it with all your strength for it will make you strong when the darkness comes knocking.

Call the Samaritans!

I do not write this searching for sympathy or to cause worry. I write this to make you realise that you are not alone. That many others go through similar things and that if they can make it out the other side, then so can you. If you do feel like you are struggling to cope and your mind is filled with suicidal thoughts, then please call the Samaritans. The number to call is 116113

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